Crusty Hearts

Written during the darker moments of last semester. Sometimes my intense disdain for mediocrity swallows my contentment in the place I am now.

My heart feels…crusty…swollen…infected, that infection that doesn’t hurt it hurts so badly. Don’t touch it, it hurts; don’t use it, that makes the swelling worse. I want some ice to make the swelling go down and feeling go away, or return, sometimes I can’t tell.

I wish I could tell you why I feel this way, but I have no real singular reason. I feel that’s how it usually is with me, a general ambience, a tint to my vision, an overshadowing cloud that changes the color of everything; making things dull, boring, and monotonous. I feel a slow build up of something over my heart; that cloud, the tint, the ambience is tangible, real, detrimental. The feelings slowly seep through the layers, squeeze through the cracks to torment my heart with dull throbbing discomfort, more dull today than it was yesterday, less painful tomorrow than it is today? I hope not. For every dulling of painful sensations is the decreased perception of pleasure and joy. My nerves are not raw, they are tired…you can not get on them, they are tired; I do not feel them, they are tired; nothing hits them, they are tired.

I want to feel happy and healthy and whole. I want to feel pain and then healing with clarity and sincerity, I want feelings that directly correspond to events, happenings, interactions. I’m tired of this ‘just because’ business, the ‘I’m just tired’ responses and the ‘I must be PMSing’ rationale. I want to get things done that I set out to do and not give up because I just don’t care enough to persevere. I’m tired of being mediocre, feeling mediocre, accomplishing mediocre things, looking mediocre. Mediocrity is both the definition and the bane of my existence and it’s wearing on my soul. I’m ready to excel, to do well, to live life with confidence and conviction, not to mention motivation and determination.

I have dreams, aspirations, goals. Goals that are too big for a mediocre work ethic and a half ass mindset. But even the desire to work my butt off to reach my goals is mediocre. I almost don’t care enough to try, I wish that I did but…I’m too tired.

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein